Peace...for now

Amazing how when "Enough" has been done, "Peace" materializes.

We've done "Enough" this time.

Now the "Peace" that exists in my soul is all I really need.

Why couldn't I have recognized and done "Enough" sooner?

Maybe this is my lesson learned.

I'm just grateful I learned and have done "Enough".

Because this "Peace" is all my soul needs...for now.

Emerging

I feel like I've been a caterpillar in a cocoon...or like one of my fly-fishing fanatic husband's mayflies emerging from their nymph cases.

But my Spirit was tired of being in my self-created chrysalis, so I finally broke out.

I may not be a beautiful butterfly or even a small plain mayfly, but I do feel much better.

Speechless

For the first time in my life:

I.

Am.

Speechless.

I've always been a communicator of everything.

Talking has always made me feel better.

But now, all I want to be is:

Speechless.

Not Enough

It wasn't enough.

Now I can't breathe.

Unless I have a little munchkin to watch and play with and cuddle and love.

Only then can I breathe.

It wasn't enough.

Why wasn't it enough?

Breathe

I feel as if I've been holding my breath for a very long time and I was very near passing out from lack of oxygen...ever had that feeling?

But then...we went to the temple yesterday.

And we had a great conversation on the drive home. My basketball coach/fly fishing fanatic for a husband said some wonderful things.

And all of the sudden I took a huge breath!

And now the sun looks brighter. My yard looks greener. My husband is more wonderful than before. My munchkin is as sweet as ever.

Then I realized what it is...It's hope.

I have hope.

Enough

Today I cried.

Maybe from hormones. Heaven knows it's probably hormones, b/c I've got plenty of those in my body right now.

I cried b/c I wish people could feel just a fraction of the desire and the need I have for a baby.

I cried b/c I need their help, and I don't think they know how much I need it. They think b/c we got our first baby, we should be able to be as successful with our second. But we really are back to square one. Nothing is easy.

I cried b/c I don't know if I'm doing enough to create this miracle.

I cried b/c I don't know if our friends and family are doing enough to create this miracle.

I cried b/c I don't know if it's enough.

If it's not enough, then what then?

What then?

Deep

Have you ever felt something so deep inside you're not sure where it's coming from? You never knew emotion or desire could exist somewhere so deep.

I thought I had been to the deepest part of my being. I thought this when I partook of the healing powers of the Atonement.

I knew I had been the the deepest part of my being. I knew this when we worked so hard to create a miracle. When my desire for this miracle consumed all of me.

But...I was not there.

Could I be there now? Is it possible to continue to go deeper?

I am scared. Because now I know.

I know what I would be missing. I didn't know before.

Now I know.

I wasn't scared before, because I didn't know.

Now I know.

Now I'm scared.

Does my faith go this deep?

Now I know.

Think. Think. Think.

That's all I can do right now.

Think.
Think.
Think.

About IVF protocol.

About medications.

About injections.

About calendar dates.

About success rates.

About harvesting.

About fertilizing.

About transferring.

About...About...About...

It's deja vu.

No, it's not deja vu. I haven't dreamed this dream before.

I've lived this life before.

So, for the next month the only thing that really can keep me sane is how I...

Think.
Think.
Think.

Reality

I love going on vacations...once I'm there.

I hate the packing. The stressing over flying with a baby. The sheer exhaustion from 15 hours of travel. But, I love to see family.

And...I will admit...

I love leaving my reality...vacuuming, dishes, cleaning bathrooms, laundry, laundry, and more laundry, entertaining an 18 month old, cooking, dishes, cooking, dishes, cooking...

I don't mind cleaning up after myself while visiting. I don't mind doing a couple of loads of laundry. I don't mind helping get a meal together.

But...I love not being responsible for every meal of every day. Not having to do all the dishes of every meal every day. Not doing loads and loads of laundry. Not having to clean up the "icky" stuff in the bathrooms. Not having to entertain an 18 month old, b/c cousins and grandma's and grandpa's love to do it.

I love visiting.

But, I start to get tired of living out of a suitcase.

And I really start to miss my really comfortable bed, and our own little routine.

But most of all...I miss my best friend. I miss his hugs and kisses. I miss just snuggling up to him on the couch or in bed. I miss being able to have conversation without a phone stuck to my ear.

So...while I'm not real excited to come back to my reality...

I'm really glad to be back in my own little home, with my very best friend...and the sweetest 18 month old to entertain.

Reminded...

I forget sometimes...

when garbage lines our front deck, or

when socks lie throughout the house, or

when basketball is the constant conversation.

But, I'm reminded...

when he loves on his little boy like he's the most important thing in the world, or

when he works all night and sleeps very little so I can stay home with our little boy, or

when he grabs me and hugs me tight, and kisses me, and tells me he loves me, every day.

This is why he is my best friend.

This is why forever is so wonderful.

Light...

In the form of a 15 month old who makes me smile.

Every.
Single.
Day.

In the form of a husband who loves me.

Every.
Single.
Day.

There is light.
I can see it.
I can feel it.

They are my family.

I am grateful for them.

Every.
Single.
Day.

Slipping

Down that stupid slide of depression.

Just when you think you have a handle on it and life is looking so much better, stupid emotions and expectations make you lose your grip.

I hate being a stupid girl sometimes.

I hate the expectations I create in my stupid girly head. Because when they aren't met all these stupid feelings; anger, frustration, sadness, and self-pity, consume me.

It's all stupid, and I know it in my stupid girl thoughts.

But I continue to slip and slide down this stupid slide of depression.

I think I need some "Prozac"

...maybe this weekend when I'm by myself for my 5th anniversary...b/c I am a coaches wife.

Ick...I hate being a girl.

Starving

For a baby, that is.

I thought I was starving for a baby with our first. But I was just hungry...not starving.

Sometimes I feel I shall shrivel up and die from starvation.

Ok...maybe a little dramatic.

It doesn't help ALL of my friends have new babies. Not an exaggeration. ALL of them do.

I'm not sure if we didn't succeed, just so we would truly appreciate the one miracle we have...or to make us really work and want the next.

Either way...it's working.

Because, I'm starving.