Breathe

I feel as if I've been holding my breath for a very long time and I was very near passing out from lack of oxygen...ever had that feeling?

But then...we went to the temple yesterday.

And we had a great conversation on the drive home. My basketball coach/fly fishing fanatic for a husband said some wonderful things.

And all of the sudden I took a huge breath!

And now the sun looks brighter. My yard looks greener. My husband is more wonderful than before. My munchkin is as sweet as ever.

Then I realized what it is...It's hope.

I have hope.

Enough

Today I cried.

Maybe from hormones. Heaven knows it's probably hormones, b/c I've got plenty of those in my body right now.

I cried b/c I wish people could feel just a fraction of the desire and the need I have for a baby.

I cried b/c I need their help, and I don't think they know how much I need it. They think b/c we got our first baby, we should be able to be as successful with our second. But we really are back to square one. Nothing is easy.

I cried b/c I don't know if I'm doing enough to create this miracle.

I cried b/c I don't know if our friends and family are doing enough to create this miracle.

I cried b/c I don't know if it's enough.

If it's not enough, then what then?

What then?

Deep

Have you ever felt something so deep inside you're not sure where it's coming from? You never knew emotion or desire could exist somewhere so deep.

I thought I had been to the deepest part of my being. I thought this when I partook of the healing powers of the Atonement.

I knew I had been the the deepest part of my being. I knew this when we worked so hard to create a miracle. When my desire for this miracle consumed all of me.

But...I was not there.

Could I be there now? Is it possible to continue to go deeper?

I am scared. Because now I know.

I know what I would be missing. I didn't know before.

Now I know.

I wasn't scared before, because I didn't know.

Now I know.

Now I'm scared.

Does my faith go this deep?

Now I know.