Time Flies...

5 years...

I haven't journal-ed in 5 years.

But I came back to this tonight and cried for the incredible blessings I received during the greatest tempests in my life.

Peace

It is my recurrent theme...and even 5 years later it persists.

I have so much peace in my life now...even amidst other tempests.

5 years ago I had peace even knowing a third miracle would be just that...another great miracle. 

But here I am 5 years later and my third GREAT miracle is almost 4.

Her fly-fishing fanatic daddy was right...there was another. 

I'm so glad he was right.
I'm so glad he was persistent.
I'm so glad I had peace throughout the process.

I'm so grateful for the peace I now have here far away from familiarity and family.

I am where I am suppose to be.
I am where my Heavenly Father wants me to be.
We are here...

And I have three amazing miracles,
       a miracle best friend,
              and the miracle of Peace through it all.

I.
Am.
Blessed.

A Year

Wow...a year.  I haven't written down any thoughts in a year.

I've had plenty...of thoughts that is.

But this time I can't reflect in public.  This time I must reflect in private.

But what a time of reflection it is.

I'm still here...and I still know my Heavenly Father loves me.

I still have a wonderful life filled with blessings innumerable to count.

But...I'm reflecting, through my tears...

In private.

Reflections

I've been reflecting a lot lately.  This is what happens at the end of another year.

This could have been a very discouraging year.

When you only have one chance to try and have another baby and it doesn't work...not a good thing.

When we've been unsuccessful before I've been devastated.  I sink into depression...I withdraw into myself...I disappear.

But this year...

Even with our lack of success, I'm still here...even in the darkness of Alaska.

I'm here in this wonderful life I love.

We are so blessed with the two incredible miracles we have...how can I not love my life?

How can I disappear when I see these blessings in front of me every day?

It's impossible to disappear when my arms are literally so full of love and blessings.


So...while I could easily be grateful this year is ending because of a prayer seemingly unanswered...

I'm sitting here reflecting in an attitude of gratitude.

What a wonderful year of so many answered blessings...and blessings un-asked for, but generously and lovingly given.

Tender Mercies

I am amazed how aware of me my Heavenly Father is.

I'm aware of this because of the tender mercies He sends me every day...in the form of lots of small, and a couple of very large, miracles.

We have two wonderful amazing miracles in our home...and for that we will forever be grateful...so grateful.

Along with these two miracles, I have been given another smaller, but no less insignificant, miracle in my life.

It's the miracle of Peace.

Peace in my heart.

Peace in my soul.

Peace Heavenly Father knows me, know my heart, knows my desire of having another baby, knows of my tears and my prayers.  He knows me.

And...because He knows me, He has given me Peace.

Peace doesn't mean I don't still desire and ache and even cry...but...

Peace does mean I have hope.  I have comfort.  I have gratitude...and my heart is filled with love.

I'm grateful for this very tender mercy of Peace.

Unsure...

Hmmm...I'm not starving.

At least I don't think I am.

I'm hungry...but not starving.

Is it because I have been blessed with so much in my two I recognize I don't have to starve any longer?

Does this mean there isn't another?

I would be incredibly sad if there wasn't.

But...maybe this is the Lord's way of preparing me or comforting me?

I'm so unsure this time.

I've never been unsure...I've ALWAYS known.

ALWAYS.

But this time I'm unsure.

Maybe it's because this is my fly-fishing-fanatics baby.

He feels there's another...maybe this is his.

So...I hope he works for it.

I wonder if he is starving for it the way I was for my "two."

Because I would LOVE to have three.

LOVE IT.

But...I'm unsure.

Fear...

I was reading an inspirational/motivational blog today and it asked about our greatest fears.  If we wrote them down maybe we could overcome them and become the person we were meant to be b/c we wouldn't be inhibited by our fears.

So I thought.

What are my biggest fears?


These are my biggest fears...

Living this life without my best friend by my side.

Losing my sweet 3 year old "Shordy".

Losing my innocent 8 month old "Tiny".


The last couple of weeks have forced me to face the first fear in reality.
It was incredibly scary.  Sobering.  Sad.  Scary.  Scary.  Scary.
I do not want to raise my children alone.

I'm so glad that things turned out ok and I don't have to live this fear...at least not this time.

The other two fears are more than just fears.  They could almost debilitate me.  I worked SO hard.  SO.  HARD...for these two miracles.  I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE them.

I've decided I love them more than some parents, b/c if everyone loved their children like I love mine there would be no such thing as child abuse.

After facing the first fear, and going through the thought process of living life without him, I know I could do it.  It would be hard.  I would be incredibly grief-stricken.  I would be incapacitated for awhile.  But I went through the thought process and I know I would survive.

But...I refuse to think through the thought process of losing one of my babies.

I can't.

I know people who have lost a child.  I know they have survived.  But I can't think about how I would deal with it.

I can't.

This is why this is one of my biggest fears.

So, I've written it down.
Will this now jinx me? (That's another fear...thank you very much)

Now, how will this help me overcome and move forward and become the person I'm supposed to become?

That's the question of the day.

Now I will say the prayer I pray every single day that helps me to not give into my fear.

(Heavenly Father...Please let me be the one to raise my babies.  I promise to teach them all they need to know to live with You again someday.  I promise to love them every single day.  Please let this be my mission.  Please...)

Consumed

I love being consumed in my life.

Consumed by the funniest most entertaining 2 year old...EVER.

Consumed by the absolute most beautiful sweetest 3 month old little girl I've met in my entire life...EVER.

Consumed by this life I love.

Heavenly Father is good.

I have the best life...EVER.