Fear...

I was reading an inspirational/motivational blog today and it asked about our greatest fears.  If we wrote them down maybe we could overcome them and become the person we were meant to be b/c we wouldn't be inhibited by our fears.

So I thought.

What are my biggest fears?


These are my biggest fears...

Living this life without my best friend by my side.

Losing my sweet 3 year old "Shordy".

Losing my innocent 8 month old "Tiny".


The last couple of weeks have forced me to face the first fear in reality.
It was incredibly scary.  Sobering.  Sad.  Scary.  Scary.  Scary.
I do not want to raise my children alone.

I'm so glad that things turned out ok and I don't have to live this fear...at least not this time.

The other two fears are more than just fears.  They could almost debilitate me.  I worked SO hard.  SO.  HARD...for these two miracles.  I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE them.

I've decided I love them more than some parents, b/c if everyone loved their children like I love mine there would be no such thing as child abuse.

After facing the first fear, and going through the thought process of living life without him, I know I could do it.  It would be hard.  I would be incredibly grief-stricken.  I would be incapacitated for awhile.  But I went through the thought process and I know I would survive.

But...I refuse to think through the thought process of losing one of my babies.

I can't.

I know people who have lost a child.  I know they have survived.  But I can't think about how I would deal with it.

I can't.

This is why this is one of my biggest fears.

So, I've written it down.
Will this now jinx me? (That's another fear...thank you very much)

Now, how will this help me overcome and move forward and become the person I'm supposed to become?

That's the question of the day.

Now I will say the prayer I pray every single day that helps me to not give into my fear.

(Heavenly Father...Please let me be the one to raise my babies.  I promise to teach them all they need to know to live with You again someday.  I promise to love them every single day.  Please let this be my mission.  Please...)