12 minutes of Prozac

Tanning bed = Prozac.

I love tanning beds. I love the "sun". I love the heat. I love the alternative punk songs I can listen to when I'm soaking up the "sun" and heat.

But...here I am in the darkness of Alaska. No sun. No heat. No alternative punk songs b/c mom's don't listen to them.

I.
Am.
Lost.

However...

For 12 minutes I found myself. The self I liked so much before I lost it to my life.

I love my life. But I've lost myself in it. And in the darkness that is winter here.

But...for 12 minutes I found myself.

Maybe next week I can find myself for 13 minutes.

Bad Day

The Daniel Powter song keeps replaying over and over again in my head..."So you've had a bad day."

I haven't felt this sad and depressed in a long time.

The 14 days were actually only 9, but we didn't tell anyone. I'm glad too.

Now, I can sit here in my own grief and not worry about someone calling me to tell me how sorry they are for me.

They are sorry, b/c I can't have children like they can.

They are sorry, b/c they are uncomfortable with their own fertility and don't know what else to say.

They are sorry for me. I hate that.

I hate that someone has to be sorry for me.

Today and maybe for the rest of the week, I would wish no one here knew me. I wish no one knew we are completely infertile w/o a dr.'s assistance.

Ick...I'm so not looking forward to the conversations I know will be happening. I don't want to talk about it, which is unusual for me. But...this once...I don't want to talk about it. There is nothing to talk about.

We aren't pregnant. And unlike pretty much everyone else, we can't just wait until next month to try again. Nope.

We have to plan at least 6 months in advance. We plan 6 months in advance for one shot. How much does that suck?

Today...my life sucks.

Today I can only sing "Bad Day" songs.

Lists

To do list:

Sew:
~Crayon Rolls
~Finish cinch bags
~I Spy bags
~Fleece hats
~The Bug's Fleece Mittens

Vacuum House
Order Vinyl from Kaye
Fold Laundry
Wash Towels
Brush my teeth :)
Clear the table
Dust
Clean bathrooms/tub
Etc...Etc...Etc...

Yet here I sit on the computer.

Posting to my blogs.

Not on my "To-Do" List.

I think "To-Do" Lists are way overrated and created to make women feel inferior and lacking in their lives.

I think "To-Do" Lists should be eliminated completely.

Then I wouldn't feel nearly so guilty for sitting here on the computer. Posting to my blogs.

Which are not on my "To-Do" list.