Unsure...

Hmmm...I'm not starving.

At least I don't think I am.

I'm hungry...but not starving.

Is it because I have been blessed with so much in my two I recognize I don't have to starve any longer?

Does this mean there isn't another?

I would be incredibly sad if there wasn't.

But...maybe this is the Lord's way of preparing me or comforting me?

I'm so unsure this time.

I've never been unsure...I've ALWAYS known.

ALWAYS.

But this time I'm unsure.

Maybe it's because this is my fly-fishing-fanatics baby.

He feels there's another...maybe this is his.

So...I hope he works for it.

I wonder if he is starving for it the way I was for my "two."

Because I would LOVE to have three.

LOVE IT.

But...I'm unsure.

Fear...

I was reading an inspirational/motivational blog today and it asked about our greatest fears.  If we wrote them down maybe we could overcome them and become the person we were meant to be b/c we wouldn't be inhibited by our fears.

So I thought.

What are my biggest fears?


These are my biggest fears...

Living this life without my best friend by my side.

Losing my sweet 3 year old "Shordy".

Losing my innocent 8 month old "Tiny".


The last couple of weeks have forced me to face the first fear in reality.
It was incredibly scary.  Sobering.  Sad.  Scary.  Scary.  Scary.
I do not want to raise my children alone.

I'm so glad that things turned out ok and I don't have to live this fear...at least not this time.

The other two fears are more than just fears.  They could almost debilitate me.  I worked SO hard.  SO.  HARD...for these two miracles.  I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE them.

I've decided I love them more than some parents, b/c if everyone loved their children like I love mine there would be no such thing as child abuse.

After facing the first fear, and going through the thought process of living life without him, I know I could do it.  It would be hard.  I would be incredibly grief-stricken.  I would be incapacitated for awhile.  But I went through the thought process and I know I would survive.

But...I refuse to think through the thought process of losing one of my babies.

I can't.

I know people who have lost a child.  I know they have survived.  But I can't think about how I would deal with it.

I can't.

This is why this is one of my biggest fears.

So, I've written it down.
Will this now jinx me? (That's another fear...thank you very much)

Now, how will this help me overcome and move forward and become the person I'm supposed to become?

That's the question of the day.

Now I will say the prayer I pray every single day that helps me to not give into my fear.

(Heavenly Father...Please let me be the one to raise my babies.  I promise to teach them all they need to know to live with You again someday.  I promise to love them every single day.  Please let this be my mission.  Please...)

Consumed

I love being consumed in my life.

Consumed by the funniest most entertaining 2 year old...EVER.

Consumed by the absolute most beautiful sweetest 3 month old little girl I've met in my entire life...EVER.

Consumed by this life I love.

Heavenly Father is good.

I have the best life...EVER.

Spring Must Be Here

Basketball is over, even though a little munchkin LOVED watching dad coach and the boys play.

But, I say...

Yeah!

Now, I get to watch the snow slowly melt away.

Yeah!

And, I get to feel a little girl wiggling, wriggling, squiggling all over.

Double Yeah!!

Aaaahhh...Life Is Good.

Spring must be here!!

Difference...

It's amazing how cold and dark it is outside.

Yet...I'm in a completely different place.

I am in a place of love, warmth, and light.

Amazing the difference a year...and a baby bump...can make.

Peace...for now

Amazing how when "Enough" has been done, "Peace" materializes.

We've done "Enough" this time.

Now the "Peace" that exists in my soul is all I really need.

Why couldn't I have recognized and done "Enough" sooner?

Maybe this is my lesson learned.

I'm just grateful I learned and have done "Enough".

Because this "Peace" is all my soul needs...for now.

Emerging

I feel like I've been a caterpillar in a cocoon...or like one of my fly-fishing fanatic husband's mayflies emerging from their nymph cases.

But my Spirit was tired of being in my self-created chrysalis, so I finally broke out.

I may not be a beautiful butterfly or even a small plain mayfly, but I do feel much better.