That's all I can do right now.
Think.
Think.
Think.
About IVF protocol.
About medications.
About injections.
About calendar dates.
About success rates.
About harvesting.
About fertilizing.
About transferring.
About...About...About...
It's deja vu.
No, it's not deja vu. I haven't dreamed this dream before.
I've lived this life before.
So, for the next month the only thing that really can keep me sane is how I...
Think.
Think.
Think.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Reality
I love going on vacations...once I'm there.
I hate the packing. The stressing over flying with a baby. The sheer exhaustion from 15 hours of travel. But, I love to see family.
And...I will admit...
I love leaving my reality...vacuuming, dishes, cleaning bathrooms, laundry, laundry, and more laundry, entertaining an 18 month old, cooking, dishes, cooking, dishes, cooking...
I don't mind cleaning up after myself while visiting. I don't mind doing a couple of loads of laundry. I don't mind helping get a meal together.
But...I love not being responsible for every meal of every day. Not having to do all the dishes of every meal every day. Not doing loads and loads of laundry. Not having to clean up the "icky" stuff in the bathrooms. Not having to entertain an 18 month old, b/c cousins and grandma's and grandpa's love to do it.
I love visiting.
But, I start to get tired of living out of a suitcase.
And I really start to miss my really comfortable bed, and our own little routine.
But most of all...I miss my best friend. I miss his hugs and kisses. I miss just snuggling up to him on the couch or in bed. I miss being able to have conversation without a phone stuck to my ear.
So...while I'm not real excited to come back to my reality...
I'm really glad to be back in my own little home, with my very best friend...and the sweetest 18 month old to entertain.
I hate the packing. The stressing over flying with a baby. The sheer exhaustion from 15 hours of travel. But, I love to see family.
And...I will admit...
I love leaving my reality...vacuuming, dishes, cleaning bathrooms, laundry, laundry, and more laundry, entertaining an 18 month old, cooking, dishes, cooking, dishes, cooking...
I don't mind cleaning up after myself while visiting. I don't mind doing a couple of loads of laundry. I don't mind helping get a meal together.
But...I love not being responsible for every meal of every day. Not having to do all the dishes of every meal every day. Not doing loads and loads of laundry. Not having to clean up the "icky" stuff in the bathrooms. Not having to entertain an 18 month old, b/c cousins and grandma's and grandpa's love to do it.
I love visiting.
But, I start to get tired of living out of a suitcase.
And I really start to miss my really comfortable bed, and our own little routine.
But most of all...I miss my best friend. I miss his hugs and kisses. I miss just snuggling up to him on the couch or in bed. I miss being able to have conversation without a phone stuck to my ear.
So...while I'm not real excited to come back to my reality...
I'm really glad to be back in my own little home, with my very best friend...and the sweetest 18 month old to entertain.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Reminded...
I forget sometimes...
when garbage lines our front deck, or
when socks lie throughout the house, or
when basketball is the constant conversation.
But, I'm reminded...
when he loves on his little boy like he's the most important thing in the world, or
when he works all night and sleeps very little so I can stay home with our little boy, or
when he grabs me and hugs me tight, and kisses me, and tells me he loves me, every day.
This is why he is my best friend.
This is why forever is so wonderful.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Light...
In the form of a 15 month old who makes me smile.
Every.
Single.
Day.
In the form of a husband who loves me.
Every.
Single.
Day.
There is light.
I can see it.
I can feel it.
They are my family.
I am grateful for them.
Every.
Single.
Day.
Every.
Single.
Day.
In the form of a husband who loves me.
Every.
Single.
Day.
There is light.
I can see it.
I can feel it.
They are my family.
I am grateful for them.
Every.
Single.
Day.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Slipping
Down that stupid slide of depression.
Just when you think you have a handle on it and life is looking so much better, stupid emotions and expectations make you lose your grip.
I hate being a stupid girl sometimes.
I hate the expectations I create in my stupid girly head. Because when they aren't met all these stupid feelings; anger, frustration, sadness, and self-pity, consume me.
It's all stupid, and I know it in my stupid girl thoughts.
But I continue to slip and slide down this stupid slide of depression.
I think I need some "Prozac"
...maybe this weekend when I'm by myself for my 5th anniversary...b/c I am a coaches wife.
Ick...I hate being a girl.
Just when you think you have a handle on it and life is looking so much better, stupid emotions and expectations make you lose your grip.
I hate being a stupid girl sometimes.
I hate the expectations I create in my stupid girly head. Because when they aren't met all these stupid feelings; anger, frustration, sadness, and self-pity, consume me.
It's all stupid, and I know it in my stupid girl thoughts.
But I continue to slip and slide down this stupid slide of depression.
I think I need some "Prozac"
...maybe this weekend when I'm by myself for my 5th anniversary...b/c I am a coaches wife.
Ick...I hate being a girl.
Monday, January 4, 2010
Starving
For a baby, that is.
I thought I was starving for a baby with our first. But I was just hungry...not starving.
Sometimes I feel I shall shrivel up and die from starvation.
Ok...maybe a little dramatic.
It doesn't help ALL of my friends have new babies. Not an exaggeration. ALL of them do.
I'm not sure if we didn't succeed, just so we would truly appreciate the one miracle we have...or to make us really work and want the next.
Either way...it's working.
Because, I'm starving.
I thought I was starving for a baby with our first. But I was just hungry...not starving.
Sometimes I feel I shall shrivel up and die from starvation.
Ok...maybe a little dramatic.
It doesn't help ALL of my friends have new babies. Not an exaggeration. ALL of them do.
I'm not sure if we didn't succeed, just so we would truly appreciate the one miracle we have...or to make us really work and want the next.
Either way...it's working.
Because, I'm starving.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
12 minutes of Prozac
Tanning bed = Prozac.
I love tanning beds. I love the "sun". I love the heat. I love the alternative punk songs I can listen to when I'm soaking up the "sun" and heat.
But...here I am in the darkness of Alaska. No sun. No heat. No alternative punk songs b/c mom's don't listen to them.
I.
Am.
Lost.
However...
For 12 minutes I found myself. The self I liked so much before I lost it to my life.
I love my life. But I've lost myself in it. And in the darkness that is winter here.
But...for 12 minutes I found myself.
Maybe next week I can find myself for 13 minutes.
I love tanning beds. I love the "sun". I love the heat. I love the alternative punk songs I can listen to when I'm soaking up the "sun" and heat.
But...here I am in the darkness of Alaska. No sun. No heat. No alternative punk songs b/c mom's don't listen to them.
I.
Am.
Lost.
However...
For 12 minutes I found myself. The self I liked so much before I lost it to my life.
I love my life. But I've lost myself in it. And in the darkness that is winter here.
But...for 12 minutes I found myself.
Maybe next week I can find myself for 13 minutes.
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