In the form of a 15 month old who makes me smile.
Every.
Single.
Day.
In the form of a husband who loves me.
Every.
Single.
Day.
There is light.
I can see it.
I can feel it.
They are my family.
I am grateful for them.
Every.
Single.
Day.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Slipping
Down that stupid slide of depression.
Just when you think you have a handle on it and life is looking so much better, stupid emotions and expectations make you lose your grip.
I hate being a stupid girl sometimes.
I hate the expectations I create in my stupid girly head. Because when they aren't met all these stupid feelings; anger, frustration, sadness, and self-pity, consume me.
It's all stupid, and I know it in my stupid girl thoughts.
But I continue to slip and slide down this stupid slide of depression.
I think I need some "Prozac"
...maybe this weekend when I'm by myself for my 5th anniversary...b/c I am a coaches wife.
Ick...I hate being a girl.
Just when you think you have a handle on it and life is looking so much better, stupid emotions and expectations make you lose your grip.
I hate being a stupid girl sometimes.
I hate the expectations I create in my stupid girly head. Because when they aren't met all these stupid feelings; anger, frustration, sadness, and self-pity, consume me.
It's all stupid, and I know it in my stupid girl thoughts.
But I continue to slip and slide down this stupid slide of depression.
I think I need some "Prozac"
...maybe this weekend when I'm by myself for my 5th anniversary...b/c I am a coaches wife.
Ick...I hate being a girl.
Monday, January 4, 2010
Starving
For a baby, that is.
I thought I was starving for a baby with our first. But I was just hungry...not starving.
Sometimes I feel I shall shrivel up and die from starvation.
Ok...maybe a little dramatic.
It doesn't help ALL of my friends have new babies. Not an exaggeration. ALL of them do.
I'm not sure if we didn't succeed, just so we would truly appreciate the one miracle we have...or to make us really work and want the next.
Either way...it's working.
Because, I'm starving.
I thought I was starving for a baby with our first. But I was just hungry...not starving.
Sometimes I feel I shall shrivel up and die from starvation.
Ok...maybe a little dramatic.
It doesn't help ALL of my friends have new babies. Not an exaggeration. ALL of them do.
I'm not sure if we didn't succeed, just so we would truly appreciate the one miracle we have...or to make us really work and want the next.
Either way...it's working.
Because, I'm starving.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
12 minutes of Prozac
Tanning bed = Prozac.
I love tanning beds. I love the "sun". I love the heat. I love the alternative punk songs I can listen to when I'm soaking up the "sun" and heat.
But...here I am in the darkness of Alaska. No sun. No heat. No alternative punk songs b/c mom's don't listen to them.
I.
Am.
Lost.
However...
For 12 minutes I found myself. The self I liked so much before I lost it to my life.
I love my life. But I've lost myself in it. And in the darkness that is winter here.
But...for 12 minutes I found myself.
Maybe next week I can find myself for 13 minutes.
I love tanning beds. I love the "sun". I love the heat. I love the alternative punk songs I can listen to when I'm soaking up the "sun" and heat.
But...here I am in the darkness of Alaska. No sun. No heat. No alternative punk songs b/c mom's don't listen to them.
I.
Am.
Lost.
However...
For 12 minutes I found myself. The self I liked so much before I lost it to my life.
I love my life. But I've lost myself in it. And in the darkness that is winter here.
But...for 12 minutes I found myself.
Maybe next week I can find myself for 13 minutes.
Monday, December 7, 2009
Bad Day
The Daniel Powter song keeps replaying over and over again in my head..."So you've had a bad day."
I haven't felt this sad and depressed in a long time.
The 14 days were actually only 9, but we didn't tell anyone. I'm glad too.
Now, I can sit here in my own grief and not worry about someone calling me to tell me how sorry they are for me.
They are sorry, b/c I can't have children like they can.
They are sorry, b/c they are uncomfortable with their own fertility and don't know what else to say.
They are sorry for me. I hate that.
I hate that someone has to be sorry for me.
Today and maybe for the rest of the week, I would wish no one here knew me. I wish no one knew we are completely infertile w/o a dr.'s assistance.
Ick...I'm so not looking forward to the conversations I know will be happening. I don't want to talk about it, which is unusual for me. But...this once...I don't want to talk about it. There is nothing to talk about.
We aren't pregnant. And unlike pretty much everyone else, we can't just wait until next month to try again. Nope.
We have to plan at least 6 months in advance. We plan 6 months in advance for one shot. How much does that suck?
Today...my life sucks.
Today I can only sing "Bad Day" songs.
I haven't felt this sad and depressed in a long time.
The 14 days were actually only 9, but we didn't tell anyone. I'm glad too.
Now, I can sit here in my own grief and not worry about someone calling me to tell me how sorry they are for me.
They are sorry, b/c I can't have children like they can.
They are sorry, b/c they are uncomfortable with their own fertility and don't know what else to say.
They are sorry for me. I hate that.
I hate that someone has to be sorry for me.
Today and maybe for the rest of the week, I would wish no one here knew me. I wish no one knew we are completely infertile w/o a dr.'s assistance.
Ick...I'm so not looking forward to the conversations I know will be happening. I don't want to talk about it, which is unusual for me. But...this once...I don't want to talk about it. There is nothing to talk about.
We aren't pregnant. And unlike pretty much everyone else, we can't just wait until next month to try again. Nope.
We have to plan at least 6 months in advance. We plan 6 months in advance for one shot. How much does that suck?
Today...my life sucks.
Today I can only sing "Bad Day" songs.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Lists
To do list:
Sew:
~Crayon Rolls
~Finish cinch bags
~I Spy bags
~Fleece hats
~The Bug's Fleece Mittens
Vacuum House
Order Vinyl from Kaye
Fold Laundry
Wash Towels
Brush my teeth :)
Clear the table
Dust
Clean bathrooms/tub
Etc...Etc...Etc...
Yet here I sit on the computer.
Posting to my blogs.
Not on my "To-Do" List.
I think "To-Do" Lists are way overrated and created to make women feel inferior and lacking in their lives.
I think "To-Do" Lists should be eliminated completely.
Then I wouldn't feel nearly so guilty for sitting here on the computer. Posting to my blogs.
Which are not on my "To-Do" list.
Sew:
~Crayon Rolls
~Finish cinch bags
~I Spy bags
~Fleece hats
~The Bug's Fleece Mittens
Vacuum House
Order Vinyl from Kaye
Fold Laundry
Wash Towels
Brush my teeth :)
Clear the table
Dust
Clean bathrooms/tub
Etc...Etc...Etc...
Yet here I sit on the computer.
Posting to my blogs.
Not on my "To-Do" List.
I think "To-Do" Lists are way overrated and created to make women feel inferior and lacking in their lives.
I think "To-Do" Lists should be eliminated completely.
Then I wouldn't feel nearly so guilty for sitting here on the computer. Posting to my blogs.
Which are not on my "To-Do" list.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Hormones
With 3 times the amount of estrogen, and 300mg of progesterone every day, I'm not sure how to react to anything.
And with a not-so-great transfer of blastocysts yesterday, I'm even more unsure.
Random things make me want to cry. I would prefer to sit on my couch under a blanket.
I try a thousand times a day to not think about how yesterday went.
To not think about when we can take a pregnancy test.
To not count the days when we can take the test.
To not think that every thing I'm doing is going to hinder the implantation process.
To not think about how I will react to a negative test.
To not think about how I will react to a positive test.
To not think how I will inform our family and friends who know what we've been going through about the result of the test, positive or negative.
A thousand times a day I'm not thinking about "it". But "it" won't leave me alone...at least not for another 2 weeks.
Or 14 days.
Or 336 hours.
But who's counting?
And with a not-so-great transfer of blastocysts yesterday, I'm even more unsure.
Random things make me want to cry. I would prefer to sit on my couch under a blanket.
I try a thousand times a day to not think about how yesterday went.
To not think about when we can take a pregnancy test.
To not count the days when we can take the test.
To not think that every thing I'm doing is going to hinder the implantation process.
To not think about how I will react to a negative test.
To not think about how I will react to a positive test.
To not think how I will inform our family and friends who know what we've been going through about the result of the test, positive or negative.
A thousand times a day I'm not thinking about "it". But "it" won't leave me alone...at least not for another 2 weeks.
Or 14 days.
Or 336 hours.
But who's counting?
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